Drug Rehab Options Blog

I have not used this forum before though I have been around SR for a while now.

I am very confused and hurt at present and not sure what to do or how to separate all the emotions.

Some Background, sorry about the length.

I have been in recovery for over 3 ½ years and am a member of NA, I work the program to the best of my ability and have recently been making amends. As I do this I notice that I am going through a transformation not unlike a butterfly coming out of its cocoon. Its wonderful a new life is opening up for me, but as I am going through this I am also letting many old things go, some of them don?t want to go, there are mostly the auto or bio-chemical habits and before I can think I am living them and in a few cases acting on them but so far not in any way I cannot put right quickly.

Externally I am also experience many things. I am about to loose my drivers licence for six months because of too many speeding tickets. I was out of work for 3 months, something that has never happened to me before. I ran out of money quickly as I had been using all my spare money to pay of the huge debts I brought into recovery with me, so I went and saw a financial counsellor and he sorted out a stay of my mortgage until January and the two credit cards I have left plus a few other bills. I also started a new job three weeks ago only to discover late last week that the amount the agency had said I was to be paid is $15,000 less than my employer is actually offering and the job agency has now closed down! You got the idea the list goes on, but its highly likely I will loose the house and will have to find another job.

The other thing is that in July this year I confronted my daughter about her behaviour (she is a disease not unlike mine in many ways) and she vanished from my life as did my ex who has been a friend until now, recently I have been talking to my ex again and she says I terroised my daughter. I was panicky at the time and wvery worried and have explained all that in detail, but I think the terrorised thing is stuff coming up from when I was using.
My sponsor says to give her space and I have, but it hurts not to talk to her, not to have contact, not even on my birthday and this Christmas I will spend with friends but without family.

Any sugestions would be welcomed, even the kick up the bum type.

Kevin

Hi all, I'm new here. I just found out last week that my boyfriend of 18 years and father of my children, has been taking cocaine for over a year. I asked him to leave over a month ago as his behaviour was becoming intolerable, not knowing that he had this addiction. Things have been strained between us for some time as I had to return to work 3 years ago when he couldn't (or wouldn't) find work. I have been becoming increasingly fed up at doing a days work and then coming home to pick the kids up from school, cook dinner, wash clothes, clean etc... He couldn't seem to understand why I was so fed up and why I didn't want to be intimate with him as much as he wanted. He has done some private work which I needed to pay the mortgage as the tenant in our other flat was not paying the rent. He kept telling me that he hadn't been paid for these jobs and made a big show of making phone calls (which I now know were all an act) to ask for the money. Over the last few months he has also been draining money out of our bank account, including using money set aside for my boys' birthday presents. We are now in the position that I am so far behind on the mortgage that we may lose both of our apartments. I'm trying to sell the one we don't live in but it's very difficult at the moment.

I'm finding it very hard to deal with all the lies that he has told me and that he could be so irresponsible to let it get to a point that our children could be made homeless. He is now trying to make me feel that this is all my fault. He has told me today that it's my fault that he started taking cocaine (he has always smoked marijuana-something that I also did in my youth but stopped 14 years ago). I feel so cheated and betrayed right now and feel like I am slipping into a deep pit of depression, I feel that the last 18 years have been nothing but lies and don't know how to separate lies from truth. I want to try to be supportive but, I can't bear to even look at him at the moment. He's not the person that I thought he was and I feel cheated of a partner and friend as well as a father for my children. I don't know how to deal with all of this. I have some good friends around me but I have no family here and I don't think they would be very understanding anyway. Everything I've worked for seems to be crumbling away through no fault of my own and yet, he's trying to burden me with the guilt. Is this usual for an addict to blame someone else for their own weakness or do I need to shoulder some of the blame? My friends tell me that I have nothing to feel bad about but, are they just saying that because they are my friends?

Thanks for listening.

So we own a house together... been through detox 6 times including a professional intervention.
All promises and boundaries were broken.. Had a small DV situation and again turned up back home.
We own our home together and he is not violent.... only vebally agressive.
I am too, so done... but can't get him to leave.

The law tells me he has a right to be in his home as long as no laws are broken.
I could leave, but I cant afford a mortgage and rent (he is on disability, not brinning much $$ in)

His drinking has caused his almost bone in his body to be broken. Last one was his jaw and needed his jaw wired shut to protect his teeth from falling out.
So here I sit... night after night same quacking:chatter

anyone else out there just waiting.... what to do? I'm tired of being tired and find thing to do just to get out of the house..:praying

I'm moping around today and don't really know what I'm feeling. Anyone have any insights for me?

The house is almost finished - should be done by this weekend with a few odds n ends next weekend. The outside hasn't been touched but that's AH's responsibility and I'm damned if I'm doing that on my own too.

The surveyor is coming over to value the house tomorrow. I've got an estate agent and solicitor for the sale of the house (not involved in the separation agreement). AH tried to get me to pay the upfront marketing fees on my own but that isn't going to happen. Looks like it ought to be on the market within weeks. I thought I would be excited to finally get all that work done but I'm not. Just feeling flat and tired and I'm not really sure why.

My AH is just annoying me - I let him drag me down whenever I email him about the division of our stuff, the sale of the house etc. He has a real sense of victim hood and doesn't take responsibility for any of his actions - everything is my fault. He can't communicate without bitterness. I know I shouldn't let him get to me, he is just quacking, but sometimes he gets me so angry! At others I feel so betrayed - he was supposed to be my best friend but turned out to be anything but. He's also been really lazy - I'm having to do everything. There again, what's new?! I'm trying to keep all contact with him at a minimum but it isn't easy.

I'm so broke this month. I'm having to adjust to paying all of the bills and mortgage by myself while paying for the stuff I need to fix the house up (I'll get the money he owes for this once the house is sold). Christmas will be quiet this year!

I am looking forward to having somewhere I can call mine. Having all my stuff in it (whatever is left once my AH raids it anyway...) and making it mine. It just seems so far away.

Wow, I've had a bit of a moan here. Thanks for listening.

I feel like my husband only tries to be nice to me when he goes out to drink. He knows what his plans are going to be days in advance and he says all these sweet things to me like he used to when we were first together.

My husband was the most romantic person in the world and used to experience the world with me, but now it is not the same. I am 8 months pregnant now, and I am always home. He never asks if I want to do anything with him, and he always has money problems. I am always putting in for what he lacks in bills, mortgage, car payments....everything. I feel like I couldn't possibly go out because that would mean that I would spend money, and I can't afford to do that if I don't know whether I will have to put in extra money for him.

He tells me that he is depressed and then he goes out to drink with his friends. He spends more money and he bets...all of the things that we can't really afford with a child on the way and a mortgage.

I have asked for a little more attention and some appreciation, but I get nothing. There is no appreciation for all that I do...and I can't even get my husband to give me a massage. I have not had a single massage my entire pregnancy. I know that I sound like a whiney ***** right now. But I feel like I am worthy of a little of that time....and when I do get attention now I don't feel like it is sincere anymore....there is always some ulterior motive.

That is so sad......

I usually do pretty well handling various crap that goes on in my life, but I need some support right this minute. My sponsor isn't available, and nobody is picking up their phone.

I'm unemployed. I just now found out that we don't qualify for fuel assistance due to the agency counting the money that my ex gives me for his half of the mortgage. (he lives on the other side of the house). I am beside myself right now. Feel hopeless and well really hopeless.

We are barely making ends meet here.

I"m not in a good place.

Thanks.

I have another stupid story to tell from the rooms. I am truly getting tired of all the BS, let me tell you. I have to say "take what I need and leave the rest" over and over in my head lately.

Anyway, so today I finally get a call back from my sponsor who has been MIA this week on vacation to visit her sponsor in another country.

She tells me that after talking it over with her sponsor (I knew that was going to cause trouble, because her sponsor doesn't know me or my life), she feels that I really have to start going to more meetings (I'm very busy at work now and am making 3 a week), that I won't get any better with my current schedule and that I must find a way to scale back my life to make "90 in 90." But I don't feel the need or desire to do that.

I explained to her that isn't doable due to my bills. I have a kid in college, a mortgage, two cars for us, a younger child, and all the regular bills that go along with all that. I asked her what she would have me cut back on. I mean, I told her, it's not like I'm buying new shoes, or taking any vacations even. I'm only 5 years from retirement at my current job, so a change in career isn't feasible now. And we're in a recession. Many of us, including me, are just scraping by, with the costs going up, but salaries staying the same.

She told me that she did it, so so could I. She says she went to 3 meetings a day when new. I pointed out the differences in our lifestyles. She is still living w/mom and dad, has no car, a part-time gig that she isn't committed to, and comes from money. I explained to her, that even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to live the way she does.

She told me that I will end up picking up if I don't do it her way. But I'm doing pretty well. I have 6 months, and I just spoke at a meeting for the first time. I really was feeling stronger lately.

I pointed that out and then she really got on my case about my service commitment to my home group; a reading. I selected that service because I'm a shift worker who can only make 1/2 the meetings (I'm on night shift 1/2 the time). My home group knew that when I signed up. So that didn't seem to be a problem then, someone could read the reading on the days I couldn't be there. It wasn't that big of a deal. But she said she wanted me to "resign the commitment" although there isn't anyone else who wants it. And I'm a good reader. Really good at that. Seriously, people say they love to hear me read. Sounds stupid, but they do say that at my home group. So I liked that job. It made me feel like I finally belonged somewhere.

At first, she made me feel really bad. And finally I just snapped. I went off. I told her "You can take that service commitment, and your home group, and you can get f'd." Then I hung up. I'm so mad. I'm so frustrated. It's my home group too. I don't know anymore. I just don't know if I want to belong to any of it right now. I'm so tired of non-constructive criticism from people who don't seem to know anything about how to live a balanced life in recovery. Or even how to help me work the steps. Or even how to be happy.

So once again, no sponsor, no prospects. Alone again. So sick of it.

KJ

My husband spent 28 days in rehab between June and July after spending 14 days in the streets drinking and smoking crack. This was the last episode, the longest, and the most costly for him in the last three years since he started again after 8 years clean. I did not want him to come back here because I was too angry and resentful and I warned him but he insisted. And made his promises; which I am not stupid enough to believe. He lost his job of almost four years, sold the SUV which he had just paid off, sold his wedding ring, his cell phone, all of his jewelry, blew $8K in cash and went through $25K in credit cards and spent $25K on rehab that he cannot pay for now and my insurance didn't cover.

Once he got his foot in the door, he canceled the therapy appt. Then he quit going to meetings. Then he quit going to church. He found another job, a better one, got an insurance payment for his truck because he claimed he was robbed, and bought another truck outright. He has started to buy jewelry for himself again while he ignores the creditors. Mind you, we do NOT share any finances or titles other than Mr. and Mrs.: not car insurance policies, the mortgage (mine - I paid), the title to the house (mine) or vehicles (he has two, I have two). I kept it this way when we married because I knew the risks.

As I said, I knew he would get his confidence back once he got a job and a vehicle and money again. He pays for nothing here because I refuse to take it because I am not going to have a lawyer down the road tell me it's his house too and that I should leave. Besides, he wouldn't want to pay - more money to party! Of course, the same selfish verge of relapse behavior has started again too. Why? Because I have emotionally separated from him. I work when he's home, and I'm home when he works. I work a lot of overtime. I stopped cooking, cleaning for him, or helping him with anything. Of course, he said "You don't cook, clean or put out anymore, what kind of wife are you?" I would come home to find he had cooked, cleaned or cut the grass and he has not been satisfied with thanks (he should be doing it anyways - he lives here free!) and he would expect sex from me for "payment". He kept saying "I'm trying to show you I'm sorry by taking care of the house. I have told him over and over that housework is not what I want.

He can't threaten me with drinking or drugs anymore - he tries and I tell him go ahead. So then he threatens me with whores. I tell him "Go ahead, I've already decided in my mind that you have cheated on me so it wouldn't be a surprise. Just don't bring it around here." He has threatened to burn my car and slash my tires. Now he is threatening to "destroy my mind" and he tells me I am crazy and I make **** up.

Narcissistic, histrionic, sociopathic. He supressed this when we dated and for 3.5 years of marriage. Until this last relapse, I still tried and was a wife to him. But when he did this last relapse, and admitted to a counselor that he enjoyed pushing my buttons, making me cry, that it made him feel powerful and in control, I knew he was beyond any help I could see him getting as long as he continues to have me as his partner and his family to enable him.

So now that he sees I don't care anymore, he keeps telling me to file for separation and get it over with. Then he says he's saving three paychecks and moving to Tampa. However, at the age of almost 43, I can tell you he ios full of crap. He is going to stay here and continue to try to wear me down so I will have sex with him, so in his mind he can tell himself everything is ok.

I do not have any little kids; just one who will be 18 next month. If I were renting somewhere, I would have left, but this is my house and I'm not leaving. I bought it with proceeds from a house I bought before we met, and he never paid one cent of a mortgage, tax, insurance or utility payment.

I didn't get married to get divorced. I want him to fix his own life and be the person he was when he was clean and sober. But I have come to accept that it will not happen right now, or maybe never, so I need advice on how to deal with him because he is all talk. He keeps trying to find ways to manipulate me and wear me down so I will have sex with him and I can't. He would rather tell me to divorce him than go to counseling, and this is how I know he is a narcissist because he thinks there is nothing wrong with him. He keeps saying he was sick, in a hospital, and got better. He also refuses to acknowledge that he always made the choice and he keeps blaming everything else for why he relapsed.

How do you put up with someone when they won't get help or leave you alone?

Since my AH left over the weekend, then returned, I'm much clearer about needing to go through with seperation. I thought last night would be a good time to talk since he hadn't been drinking. I found out he's no more logical off the bottle than he is on. It quickly deteriorated into quacking, which I walked away from. This is all about "some alcoholism idea that someone has put in my head". He wouldn't have to hide bottles and could drink like a "normal person" if some B!&$% wasn't digging through his stuff. He is the only one trying to make this relationship work, blah, blah, blah.

So my question is how do you go about the logistics with someone who has dug in their heels and isn't leaving? He works and pays half the mortgage and utilities. He isn't abusive. I could go, but there are 5 of us (I wouldn't leave the kids) and one of him.....and I don't make enough to pay on 2 places and my name is on the mortgage so I don't want to screw up my credit. It gives me a very trapped feeling, but I know there must have been others in the same spot, so I just need advice and ideas. I am ready to move forward and I have told him so......he says "go ahead".

Hello everyone. I am new to this site. Not sure why I never thought of looking for a site like this sooner. In any case, my father is a heroin and alcohol addict. He lives with me in my home(pays rent) however as much as I need contribution towards my monthly mortgage I peace more. I am a single woman who at one time could afford this house but due to layoff I no longer can without father's assistance.
In any case, he recently checked himself in for rehab and has since returned. He has been exhibiting behaviors which make me feel that he is doing something. Such as: falling asleep while eating-food ending up on his face. Well today, actually a mere one hour ago, I found him sitting on a chair in front of the refrigerator with door open. I look at him and in his pocket is a needle/syringe. He tells me "I was going to throw it out" but my heart and sense tells me he's friggin lying yet again. I want him gone!!!! I am tired of living this way. I feel so explosive right now and dont want to get my brothers involved but feel that I need too. They are younger than I. I am at the point that I dont care if I lose this house, I will not have him living with me like this anymore. I need my space and if I end up homeless, honestly, I dont care.
I dont even want him in this house one more day, but feel bad because he is a sick man (physically) and where will he go? Do I wait for him to get his monthly retirement stipen (he is a retiree) then ask him to leave once he has money to go find another place, or do I just ask him to leave now. Tomorrow is my birthday and I do not want to see his face at all. I already told him to go to his room and leave me alone.
Any suggestions are appreciated and at the very least, thank you for listening to me!