Archive for the ‘Motions’ tag
the cheap detective………………….
:nyag
the cheap detective...................
the cheap detective?????????
his feet upon his desk, cigar smoke lingering above
looking out his window, no clouds in sight, sky blue
waiting for the next big case, this life is his love
and when a call comes in, a file he does make
knowing deep within, he can make no mistake
he goes thru the motions
name, address, phone, when can you come in
?I need all the details so I can get a lead?
he?ll check the facts, make some calls
very quickly,
he?ll have more information than he will ever need
quietly, he sits and waits, the minutes turn to hours
another puff on his cigar, it?s time to water the flowers
files upon the window sill, files upon the chair
files, files, and more files of ?case closed? everywhere
he?s got all the information from a to z
the only thing that?s lacking is a case from you or me
the phone rings again, he gives a short hello
he asks the right questions for what he needs to know
another file he makes and puts it to the side
his feet go back on his desk
as he lights another cigar
a glance out his window
the day is slowly ending
his office door ajar
a knock comes from the door, it opens very slow
?what can I do for you?? he says matter of factly, so so
?I?m looking for the cheap detective?
?come in, you are in the right place
tell me of the case?
he gets out another file, fills in all the blanks
another case to solve, another file to stamp ?closed?
he listens to the story, doesn?t believe a word
it a case that so many times before he?s already heard
but he is no judge; he?ll get all the facts
find out who did what to whom and why and when
so much info gathering, out of ink runs his pen
?I?m no ordinary gumshoe,
I?ll solve this case for you?
he?s so reassuring
he listens and listens some more
to this case that is so boring
it?s a job; he lives the life of a cheap detective
his feet upon his desk, cigar smoke lingering above
looking out his window, passing by a butterfly or two
waiting for the next big case, this life is his love
he grabs his hat, walks out the door
he?ll see this guy, that guy
soon he will know all he needs to know and more
a question here, a question there
puts 2 and 2 together, the answer will appear
his client comes to his office
?you have solved this case for me, how much do I owe you?
he gives a smile, no worry, :nyadI?ve solved your case for free
it?s a job, he lives the life of a cheap detective
his feet upon his desk, cigar smoke lingering above
looking out his window, the sun is setting, too
waiting for the next big case, this life is his love
the cheap detective...................
the cheap detective?????????
his feet upon his desk, cigar smoke lingering above
looking out his window, no clouds in sight, sky blue
waiting for the next big case, this life is his love
and when a call comes in, a file he does make
knowing deep within, he can make no mistake
he goes thru the motions
name, address, phone, when can you come in
?I need all the details so I can get a lead?
he?ll check the facts, make some calls
very quickly,
he?ll have more information than he will ever need
quietly, he sits and waits, the minutes turn to hours
another puff on his cigar, it?s time to water the flowers
files upon the window sill, files upon the chair
files, files, and more files of ?case closed? everywhere
he?s got all the information from a to z
the only thing that?s lacking is a case from you or me
the phone rings again, he gives a short hello
he asks the right questions for what he needs to know
another file he makes and puts it to the side
his feet go back on his desk
as he lights another cigar
a glance out his window
the day is slowly ending
his office door ajar
a knock comes from the door, it opens very slow
?what can I do for you?? he says matter of factly, so so
?I?m looking for the cheap detective?
?come in, you are in the right place
tell me of the case?
he gets out another file, fills in all the blanks
another case to solve, another file to stamp ?closed?
he listens to the story, doesn?t believe a word
it a case that so many times before he?s already heard
but he is no judge; he?ll get all the facts
find out who did what to whom and why and when
so much info gathering, out of ink runs his pen
?I?m no ordinary gumshoe,
I?ll solve this case for you?
he?s so reassuring
he listens and listens some more
to this case that is so boring
it?s a job; he lives the life of a cheap detective
his feet upon his desk, cigar smoke lingering above
looking out his window, passing by a butterfly or two
waiting for the next big case, this life is his love
he grabs his hat, walks out the door
he?ll see this guy, that guy
soon he will know all he needs to know and more
a question here, a question there
puts 2 and 2 together, the answer will appear
his client comes to his office
?you have solved this case for me, how much do I owe you?
he gives a smile, no worry, :nyadI?ve solved your case for free
it?s a job, he lives the life of a cheap detective
his feet upon his desk, cigar smoke lingering above
looking out his window, the sun is setting, too
waiting for the next big case, this life is his love
A mother’s letter, to her children.
I feel so bad for the innocent children that have to reap the damages of parents choices.
I was a raised in a house full of hidden addictions. As an adult I looked to fix a husband that had a hidden addiction. When all my efforts failed I too fell into "addiction's" hands. As I work on staying clean and sober I plead with the strength rebuild our "glass house"... (I don't want them to be "broken" adults...)
I look back at over the years,
I thought that we had it all
people that glanced, envied us.
we where the perfect family
or at least the illusion of one.
then our glass house shattered.
and our world crumbled
The man of the house
had fallen...
into the web of addiction, he was lost
I tried and tried to pick up the shattered pieces
as two, but.....
with blood dripping from my hands,
I had to let go of us, now just one.
oozing with infected blood
single and alone
Scared and struggling to provide.
I fell short
I had to stop feeling everything
I had to become numb,
just to walk through each day
A Robot going through the all motions
that is all I knew how to do
I am so sorry.......
I made you all stop feeling too
I still cant stop the images
small innocent eyes
begging for the answers,
small beating hearts
begging me
to be what they needed me to be
a mother........
I couldn't handle one more drop of sadness
not one more tear, not one more bleeding hand
I became an enclosed monster, with nothing left
no more tears no more emotions
no more happiness
meant no more falls,
No more trust meant
No more broken glass...........
(I am so sorry my children, but.....
look outside now,
the sun is shinning again!)
Jenady Leigh Revill
I was a raised in a house full of hidden addictions. As an adult I looked to fix a husband that had a hidden addiction. When all my efforts failed I too fell into "addiction's" hands. As I work on staying clean and sober I plead with the strength rebuild our "glass house"... (I don't want them to be "broken" adults...)
I look back at over the years,
I thought that we had it all
people that glanced, envied us.
we where the perfect family
or at least the illusion of one.
then our glass house shattered.
and our world crumbled
The man of the house
had fallen...
into the web of addiction, he was lost
I tried and tried to pick up the shattered pieces
as two, but.....
with blood dripping from my hands,
I had to let go of us, now just one.
oozing with infected blood
single and alone
Scared and struggling to provide.
I fell short
I had to stop feeling everything
I had to become numb,
just to walk through each day
A Robot going through the all motions
that is all I knew how to do
I am so sorry.......
I made you all stop feeling too
I still cant stop the images
small innocent eyes
begging for the answers,
small beating hearts
begging me
to be what they needed me to be
a mother........
I couldn't handle one more drop of sadness
not one more tear, not one more bleeding hand
I became an enclosed monster, with nothing left
no more tears no more emotions
no more happiness
meant no more falls,
No more trust meant
No more broken glass...........
(I am so sorry my children, but.....
look outside now,
the sun is shinning again!)
Jenady Leigh Revill
is there any way to help the addict?
I'm still really worried about my ABF. He is supposedly working on recovery--trying to get out of the house more, talking to the counselor once a week, etc. However, it seems to be more the motions than anything else. He keeps telling me how important sobriety is to him. However, he keeps using! He says that he is making a "plan" for recovery. He looked at NA stuff this morning, but he says it sounds too much like a church. However, maybe he'll try it.
I know we are supposed to work on ourselves, and I am really trying. I'm reading the book Addictive Thinking which helps me understand why his rationalizations are so ridiculous. I'm on a waiting list to see a counselor (probably 4 weeks). I'm still working on finding a job, and maybe I'll get some good news regarding that soon.
It just hurts me so much to see him like this. He had 8 months of recovery! He wasn't just sober--he was really working on recovery with counseling sessions, changing his friends, being honest, etc. Now, he is taking who knows how many oxycodones. This morning he fell back to sleep, and got up this afternoon. Now, he's all happy and energetic--telling me how great he feels. Uh huh. He keeps making promises--he gets really excited about stuff. I'm going to read that book with you, I'm going to find a recipe on the Internet for that chicken, etc., but of course, he doesn't follow through. I just know that there is no way that he's going to get better as long as he keeps using!!! He's planning his recovery. Great. Terrific. If you could see me now, you would see me rolling my eyes.
I keep trying to let go, let God, but is that all I can do?
I know we are supposed to work on ourselves, and I am really trying. I'm reading the book Addictive Thinking which helps me understand why his rationalizations are so ridiculous. I'm on a waiting list to see a counselor (probably 4 weeks). I'm still working on finding a job, and maybe I'll get some good news regarding that soon.
It just hurts me so much to see him like this. He had 8 months of recovery! He wasn't just sober--he was really working on recovery with counseling sessions, changing his friends, being honest, etc. Now, he is taking who knows how many oxycodones. This morning he fell back to sleep, and got up this afternoon. Now, he's all happy and energetic--telling me how great he feels. Uh huh. He keeps making promises--he gets really excited about stuff. I'm going to read that book with you, I'm going to find a recipe on the Internet for that chicken, etc., but of course, he doesn't follow through. I just know that there is no way that he's going to get better as long as he keeps using!!! He's planning his recovery. Great. Terrific. If you could see me now, you would see me rolling my eyes.
I keep trying to let go, let God, but is that all I can do?
For Those that Hurt Today
I woke up this morning, Thanksgiving, and thought about all those people out there that are hurting today. Addicts and non-addicts alike. People who have lost their homes, their families, their dreams and even their hope. The ones that are in pain daily, but experience just a little bit more today because they are alone, because Thanksgivings past hold such warm memories of family and food and happiness, and they realize what they have lost. The ones that face today, without someone they love, a spouse or child, as they go through the motions and pretend happiness as they glance longingly at that empty place.
I stopped and prayed for those people this morning. I felt a longing to reach out and comfort them. But I know that I am helpless to change their lives.
But there is one thing I can do, I can pray. I can hold those people in my heart today, think of them, and because of those thoughts, appreciate how truely bessed I am in my life.
As each of you celebrate this day, please pause for a moment, and say a prayer for all of those who hurt today.
Happy Thanksgiving
B
I stopped and prayed for those people this morning. I felt a longing to reach out and comfort them. But I know that I am helpless to change their lives.
But there is one thing I can do, I can pray. I can hold those people in my heart today, think of them, and because of those thoughts, appreciate how truely bessed I am in my life.
As each of you celebrate this day, please pause for a moment, and say a prayer for all of those who hurt today.
Happy Thanksgiving
B
Just out of reach…May be long
Ok..Another rant...whine..whatever.
I just need to vent.
I am doing everything I am suppose to. Being very tolerant and very patient with EVERYTHING.
And it is hard as hell some days. I literally have to stay on top of it every minuts of the day sometimes.
I will be the first to admit. I am spoiled..I am use to getting what I want when I want it. I am a hot head with a very short fuse. I am use to just not giving a sh!t.
I have been working very very hard at changing that about myself. Because it isnt cute. It isnt who I want to be.
I mean from me getting aggravated about the littlest things..to my mouth..And I have a slick mouth sometimes. To being patient with time and life. Watching what I say. How I feel ..Just everything that is incorporated into this new attitude I want to have.
I guess I am trying to remold my character. I dont want to change who I am. Just how I think and perceive things.
I am me underneath it all. But I dont have to act like a child or a B**** when things dont go my way.
I am trying to stay positive.
And for the most part is paying off. And my stress levels have gone way down.
I am so aware of myself lately and I like I am seeing.
Even my grams told me she sees a big change in me.
BUT...Things that I am trying to do..to better my life. I get so close and then its like a brick wall.
What brought this on is the procedure I have been talking about.
I am going throuhg the motions. Really educating myself with it. Going to the support groups and doing everything they are asking of me. And the screening for this is brutal. I went to see their pdoc last week. And he told me I have to quit smoking. OK..I can deal with that. I have been wanting to do it anyway. He just sealed the deal. So now I have to and chances are I will because I HAVE TO.
But now he has told the surgeon that I need to see a pdoc regularly before he approve me. Because of what I did to muself last year.
Ok..I know. Yea..It was a very serious thing I did. And I honestly dont know why I am still even here. But its not like I thought those things before then. It was a freak thing and I dont even remember it.
I dont feel that way now and havent since.
I just dont want to be told I have to be put on meds and have this pdoc start picking my brain telling me I have "underlying" issues when I know thats not the case.
Stirring the pot makes it worse for me. And thats when I get upset and do stupid things. I have no resentments. I have no problems with letting go and forgiveness.
So what is the point of this? Its been over a year and a half since I did that. It isnt even an issue to me anymore.
I dont know what I am getting at.
I just know..I dont want to take meds. I dont want someone making me dig up old bones when I have layed them to rest long ago.
I just dont get why all this matters for a procedure that will greatly improve my health and make me feel better about myself.
AND..My old boss emails me the other day talkign about "Do I want a job?"
The one who saved my job 4 times 2 yrs ago. And got me that big great job I screwed up last year. I burned him so many times. But for some reason he has faith in me. And now he wants to bring me on board with him.
Thats awesome. I would love nothing better.
But its so up in the air right now.
My bills are stacking up again. Because I am only getting 20 hrs at work.
Christmas is coming up. I cant buy anything for anyone. I cant even pay my bills on time.
I was thinking the other day I was grateful for not having extra money. Because it allowed me to do what I had to do and not get into trouble. Money is my demon for screwing up.
And I was ok with that. But now..I am like. I am barely payiong my bills. And I cant just get by. I need to get ahead.
What happens if my van breaks down? Or I need some money for something at the spur of the moment?
I am stressing again. And I dont have to. But its building.
And I am still going to do what I ahve to do. And go through these hoops for that surgeon. And go to work and come home and be broke and just keep doing what I have been.
Because..Thats all I really can do. And I cant give up now. I cant get all crazy and frustrated.
I just need some relief. I wish something would give.
I am very lucky to be where I am right now. Not only in life..But mentally and emotionally.
I dont want to back slide there.
I like who I am becoming. Which is a responsible...calm..positive person.
Never in a million years would I have thought I could be this way.
I still have so much work to do. And like I said. Some days I want to kick down walls. but I catch myself and do what it takes to bring those levels of aggravation down.
Oh and right now especially. 4 kids going nuts..fighting and crying and my grams is buggin out there. They thing their funny and talking back. I am locked in my room. LOL..
I will go out in a little while and help her. But right now. I cant be around it or I will lose it.
I cant help but believe everything will work out eventually. I eman they always do for the most part.
But just some things that I am working so hard for and they are right there in reach and yet so far.
I Just wonder how long and how much ot takes to get there.
I guess this is a good lesson for myself.
OK..I know it is.
But DAM...I have been good and doing alot of improving. Can I get something here?
Ok done..Thinking out loud. Thanks for reading if you lasted to the end. LOL...
More for a blog this thread..But I need feed back. And not everyone reads blogs.
Thanks.
And I wan tto add..that this time of the year..Just like with alot of people is hard for me. Not just because of the holidays. But because My baby would have been born on Dec 4th 1996. I lost that pregnancy at 5 mos. I was shattered. It messed me up for a very very long time. They would have been 12 yrs old this yr. I dont have any kids and cant have any from what my gyno says. Also my mothers bday is Dec 29th. She has been missing since I was 5. I really go on self destruct this time of the year. This will be the first year in so long that I have been clean.
I am so happy for that. I never think about those things and go crazy egtting high. It just always seems to happen that way without relizing it I guess.
Its going to be a very hard couple months.
But I will be ok. I know I will.
With the help of my family and all of you here. I couldnt be more blessed.
And I know thats all I need to be worrying about. Cause thats all that matters really. In the end...Its all I need.
I just need to vent.
I am doing everything I am suppose to. Being very tolerant and very patient with EVERYTHING.
And it is hard as hell some days. I literally have to stay on top of it every minuts of the day sometimes.
I will be the first to admit. I am spoiled..I am use to getting what I want when I want it. I am a hot head with a very short fuse. I am use to just not giving a sh!t.
I have been working very very hard at changing that about myself. Because it isnt cute. It isnt who I want to be.
I mean from me getting aggravated about the littlest things..to my mouth..And I have a slick mouth sometimes. To being patient with time and life. Watching what I say. How I feel ..Just everything that is incorporated into this new attitude I want to have.
I guess I am trying to remold my character. I dont want to change who I am. Just how I think and perceive things.
I am me underneath it all. But I dont have to act like a child or a B**** when things dont go my way.
I am trying to stay positive.
And for the most part is paying off. And my stress levels have gone way down.
I am so aware of myself lately and I like I am seeing.
Even my grams told me she sees a big change in me.
BUT...Things that I am trying to do..to better my life. I get so close and then its like a brick wall.
What brought this on is the procedure I have been talking about.
I am going throuhg the motions. Really educating myself with it. Going to the support groups and doing everything they are asking of me. And the screening for this is brutal. I went to see their pdoc last week. And he told me I have to quit smoking. OK..I can deal with that. I have been wanting to do it anyway. He just sealed the deal. So now I have to and chances are I will because I HAVE TO.
But now he has told the surgeon that I need to see a pdoc regularly before he approve me. Because of what I did to muself last year.
Ok..I know. Yea..It was a very serious thing I did. And I honestly dont know why I am still even here. But its not like I thought those things before then. It was a freak thing and I dont even remember it.
I dont feel that way now and havent since.
I just dont want to be told I have to be put on meds and have this pdoc start picking my brain telling me I have "underlying" issues when I know thats not the case.
Stirring the pot makes it worse for me. And thats when I get upset and do stupid things. I have no resentments. I have no problems with letting go and forgiveness.
So what is the point of this? Its been over a year and a half since I did that. It isnt even an issue to me anymore.
I dont know what I am getting at.
I just know..I dont want to take meds. I dont want someone making me dig up old bones when I have layed them to rest long ago.
I just dont get why all this matters for a procedure that will greatly improve my health and make me feel better about myself.
AND..My old boss emails me the other day talkign about "Do I want a job?"
The one who saved my job 4 times 2 yrs ago. And got me that big great job I screwed up last year. I burned him so many times. But for some reason he has faith in me. And now he wants to bring me on board with him.
Thats awesome. I would love nothing better.
But its so up in the air right now.
My bills are stacking up again. Because I am only getting 20 hrs at work.
Christmas is coming up. I cant buy anything for anyone. I cant even pay my bills on time.
I was thinking the other day I was grateful for not having extra money. Because it allowed me to do what I had to do and not get into trouble. Money is my demon for screwing up.
And I was ok with that. But now..I am like. I am barely payiong my bills. And I cant just get by. I need to get ahead.
What happens if my van breaks down? Or I need some money for something at the spur of the moment?
I am stressing again. And I dont have to. But its building.
And I am still going to do what I ahve to do. And go through these hoops for that surgeon. And go to work and come home and be broke and just keep doing what I have been.
Because..Thats all I really can do. And I cant give up now. I cant get all crazy and frustrated.
I just need some relief. I wish something would give.
I am very lucky to be where I am right now. Not only in life..But mentally and emotionally.
I dont want to back slide there.
I like who I am becoming. Which is a responsible...calm..positive person.
Never in a million years would I have thought I could be this way.
I still have so much work to do. And like I said. Some days I want to kick down walls. but I catch myself and do what it takes to bring those levels of aggravation down.
Oh and right now especially. 4 kids going nuts..fighting and crying and my grams is buggin out there. They thing their funny and talking back. I am locked in my room. LOL..
I will go out in a little while and help her. But right now. I cant be around it or I will lose it.
I cant help but believe everything will work out eventually. I eman they always do for the most part.
But just some things that I am working so hard for and they are right there in reach and yet so far.
I Just wonder how long and how much ot takes to get there.
I guess this is a good lesson for myself.
OK..I know it is.
But DAM...I have been good and doing alot of improving. Can I get something here?
Ok done..Thinking out loud. Thanks for reading if you lasted to the end. LOL...
More for a blog this thread..But I need feed back. And not everyone reads blogs.
Thanks.
And I wan tto add..that this time of the year..Just like with alot of people is hard for me. Not just because of the holidays. But because My baby would have been born on Dec 4th 1996. I lost that pregnancy at 5 mos. I was shattered. It messed me up for a very very long time. They would have been 12 yrs old this yr. I dont have any kids and cant have any from what my gyno says. Also my mothers bday is Dec 29th. She has been missing since I was 5. I really go on self destruct this time of the year. This will be the first year in so long that I have been clean.
I am so happy for that. I never think about those things and go crazy egtting high. It just always seems to happen that way without relizing it I guess.
Its going to be a very hard couple months.
But I will be ok. I know I will.
With the help of my family and all of you here. I couldnt be more blessed.
And I know thats all I need to be worrying about. Cause thats all that matters really. In the end...Its all I need.
day 24. should be happy right? WRONG
Today is day 24, not the longest I have ever gone without booze, went 3 months last year. I cant seem to get in the groove of things..I feel like I am in a movie or something..like I am just going throught the motions....Suprisingly the craving to drink has not been the hardest part, but this weird out of body feeling I have..Anyone else go throught this..I know I need a sponser, but every meeting I go to, it seems like no one really makes their availability known, do I have to just walk up to everyone and ask if they are? I get suprisingly shy and anxious at meetings and find the thought of making smallish talk with the women before or after the meetings makes me not want to go at all...AHH whats wrong with me! Last time I didnt work the program which I am pretty sure is why after 3 months I started drinking again...I really want life long sobriety..I thought sober meant clarity, living in the moment, but I can stop dwelling on the past and this foggy day to day...Any wisodom out there? Thanks,
